keeping yourself happy doesn’t mean ignoring your relationship

Putting yourself first isn't-2

This is what I know about myself.  When in the dating/ courting phase, I’m whimsical, childlike, extremely playful, and free. I find everything about him, even his mistakes, adorable. Because of my “light” energy, I enjoy myself, yet his company makes for added pleasure.

However, when I enter commitment, I noticed that things change. What was adorable yesterday, today, I’m like “I’m done!” My energy shifts and becomes weighted, more serious, and more difficult to please.

Why is this?

One word: attachment.

I realize that when I entered commitment, it was as though my life flashed before my eyes. If reality didn’t match my vision for the long-term, I started looking for ways to “fix” things that weren’t broken, to prevent things before they occurred… things I would’ve allowed to roll off my back, pre-commitment.

Because of the attachment, I created the expectation that he had to be everything (all 108 items on my list) and fill my every need.  Because if he didn’t, I feared I wouldn’t be satisfied.

Can you imagine?

Whether you’re married or in a relationship, when we’re wrapped up in expectation it’s almost inevitable to lose ourselves and to make him responsible for our happiness. If you’re single, then you may feel you can’t be happy until you enter a relationship.

When we’re attached, we’re tied to his behavior, to results, and to performance so much so that the way we feel and act is determined by what he does and says. Unfortunately, when we’re in this space, it’s hard to remain in the grace and standard we have for ourselves.

In speaking to my own coach, she said something that will forever resonate. “When you attach expectation to results, performance, or perfectionism, you squash any possibility for inspiration, creativity, and connection. Divinely perfect? Yes! Perfectionistic? No.”

In the book, How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together, Susan Page says, “The more you become attached to one outcome, the more you fear what will happen if you don’t get it. Fear closes you down. When you are afraid, you become protective. You are less able to be open, to be flexible, to be creative.”

When attached to expectations, we lose our feminine allure. But, when you concentrate on your own potential, you tap into your own strength, gifting yourself the ability to reframe the inner struggles that cause needless emotional turmoil (N.E.T.).

You might be experiencing N.E.T. if you find yourself:

  • getting upset by his way of thinking
  • furious that he comes home late without calling
  • resenting him when he seems unbothered by your emotions

The antidote for N.E.T. is to concentrate on your own potential, instead of your fears or his faults.

You know, there’s a big misconception that if you focus on yourself, it means you’re being selfish or ignoring your man. This is a myth that we need to get rid of in order to move forward.

Keeping yourself happy doesn’t mean ignoring your relationship. Keeping yourself happy means filling your own cup so that you can exist as love and tenderness.

Single? The concept still applies.

Here’s the problem with focusing on him instead of yourself, it creates too much expectation, too much anxiety, and too much pressure. It’s a set up for disappointment, when what you want really want is to create an atmosphere where winning seems possible.

What does winning look like for a man? Knowing that he has the capacity to please you and make you happy.

Remember, people associate you with whatever feelings you produce in them. You already possess the power to induce feelings of well-being and “winning”. And really, you are influencing the evolution of the universe, right now, by the way you operate and how you show up. So what will be your legacy?

Now, this is not to say that you must completely ignore your relationship, but to have the best results, you must cultivate your secret garden. Doing so alters how you approach your love life for the better.  Want to know why? By changing your part of the interaction it changes how men respond to you.

You do know that that’s what men do, right? They simply respond to us.

When you concentrate on your own potential, instead of fears or his faults, then you can advocate for yourself with grace, you regain your sense of dignity, and you develop a sphere of influence to inspire, rather than obligate.

My girl, cultivating your secret garden within your relationship (or while preparing for one) offers you an opportunity for unparalleled growth.  You’ll gain inner power and, at the same time, expand your own capacity for compassion.

So, how can you focus on yourself and be in a relationship simultaneously?

Consider that it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. When you stand for yourself first, then you become equipped to care for others without resentment, and with more fun and play. Consider it a gift for the both of you that raises your nobility and your influence.

Is this making go you go “hmmm…”?  If this conversation is making light bulbs go off in your mind and you’re starting to see why you might be experiencing needless emotional turmoil, I can help you.

Click here to book a complimentary Awaken Your Allure Discovery Session with me, and let’s come up with a plan to get you back in your allure.

Book your time to speak with me now!

“…whoever he loves, I love.”

other side fear

Something came up for me as I watched Beyonce’s HBO special. There was a scene where she celebrated her husband’s, Jay-Z, birthday. As she stood to greet the guest and to toast her man, she said,

“I thank you for coming here on such short notice. You all are special to Jay, and therefore special to me. Whoever he loves, I love.”

Wow!

I must’ve rewound that part about seven times because when I watched it last year, I was in such a broken state.

God’s plan ain’t sexy. You know, when we were little girls (like me, you probably watched Cinderella too many times), we had this idea of our prince charming… what he’d look like, how pedigreed he’d be, the type of friends he has, the kind of job he’d have, the kind of dates he’d take us on, how he’d dress, the shoes he’d wear, etc.

But, there’s a gap in our little girl fantasies that can bring discontentment. Because if he isn’t packaged the way we hoped, we get nervous.

Perhaps you’re single, but dating. You get to meet his friends and your initial reaction is, “So, these are your friends, huh? Hmmph, no wonder ___________ (fill in blank)

You know how it goes… show me your friends, I”ll show you your future, right

How about when man you’re dating has kids and when you finally meet them, you’re thinking. ” So these are your kids? I don’t know about this.”

Or, what about when you meet his family for the first time and it’s not what you hoped. You might think ” Hold on nah… what the heck am I getting myself into?”

What happens is that anytime reality doesn’t measure up to the vision we have, we get scared. We get nervous. When we get nervous, fear begins to lodge within us. When fear takes root, so does our desire to control.

Control depends on fear as it’s source to exist.  Even though fear’s purpose is intended protect us (more on this later), it creates limits that keeps us small.

But, what if, despite your fear, you choose to love who he loves?

Realize that you don’t have work at love, you just let it in. Click here to tweet.

Here’s what I recommend.

Abandon your agenda. It’ll release both the pressure on him and the anxiety on you. Have standards, but be willing to compromise some of the things on your 108 item checklist. Yikes! Did I really did have that many?

Now… I know you have plenty men on your roster, so when you do meet a man, you feel he needs to meet all your expectations and needs.  Because if not, you’re reminded that there’s someone else waiting to take his place, or you fear that you might discover you have a wandering eye.

This is a simple example of how fear can show up in our love life. But, scripture teaches that there is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out the fear that torments us.

Torment and dissatisfaction is exactly what we experience when operating from fear rather than faith and love.

Cast the fear aside by existing as love. 

What does this mean for you?

When you love, you begin to exist as love. It becomes your living art as you become the personification of enchantment, tenderness, and warmth.

Additionally, when you love who he loves, you show a sign of respect to your mate.

What happens when you respect your man? Well, consider a returning boomerang (I think I might watch that on Netflix tonight). When thrown correctly, a boomerang returns to its starting point.

Remember, as a woman you reign in a position of influence in your relationship. We’ve been designed and equipped with the capacity to set the tone. I’m here to help you turn your capacity into skill.

When you respect your man and his decisions about choice of friends, food, clothing, or work, then he’s able to relax into the relationship because of your acceptance of him.

Existing as love is a part of your feminine gift offering, and because of your gift, he’s able to trust that you accept him, and start behaving more confidently. A man who’s confident in his relationship uses “we” and “our” pronouns instead of “I” and “my”.

You benefit because you’ll attract more peace, more connection, and more love into your life because he’ll detect that you are equipped to administer that very needed healing balm.

This is cycle of “boomeranging”.  

If you want more of this feminine allure goodness, then complete this quick, three (3) question survey that will help me as I craft something special for you.  When you’re done, subscribe below to the Moxie Manifesto.

Cheers… to moving forward with grace and gumption,

Monique

Merry Christmas and an Alluring New Year!

christmas

I’d like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to you for reading this and for sticking around with me in this business as I teach a different way for women to show up in the world and approach their relationships.

My greatest intention and my biggest wish is that you allow yourself to become the most ENCHANTING, POLISHED, and POWERFUL YOU.

And, just in case you need a little push in the right direction for 2015, I’ve curated a few of my most popular and perceptive insights (aka throwback posts) to help you along your journey.

A Woman of Influence

Compel By Your Smell

Allow Him the Pleasure of Getting to Know You

Enhance Your Feminine Form

Urban Beauty: How to Become One

The Secret to Glowing Skin

Your Moxie Manifesto

With gratitude,

Monique

P.S. I know you’re thinking about 2015…about the woman you’d like to become. I’d like to help you with that. Click here to answer three questions to help me as I craft something special for you.

 

How to Develop Your Taste by Cleaning Up Your Integrity

Monique Brown

What developing your taste means for you?

Cultivating your taste means having a preference. My vision for you is that you’ll have an appetite for quality, sophistication, and for things that are of good report. When your taste is developed, your perception and discernment for quality is refined, making you more appealing.

Developing good taste requires examination of our daily living and what we find appealing. Since faith comes by hearing it also means being mindful of what we’re watching, reading, and listening to.

You can develop your taste for food, style, music, entertainment, vocabulary, language, speech, lifestyle, friendships, and of course relationships, and generally what you allow to regulate your mind.

When it comes to cultivating taste, here are a few questions to consider.

  1. What’s the standard that I have for myself?
  2. Is this a quality pursuit?
  3. Does what I’m partaking in make me feel depleted and anxious, or is it fertile and life-giving?

Just remember that when you develop your taste, you become a woman of worthy character, a woman of influence. You become a tastemaker, and your preference for quality will replace the low pleasure or low character pursuits, setting the tone and the trends for those around you.

Because you’re a tastemaker, you’re skilled at identifying the best of everything and people will be drawn to you because they’ll detect your discerning and polished taste.

This is what living well looks like. It’s about showing up with your best to your everyday, and then bringing your best into your relationship.

To your enhancement,

Monique

P.S. I hope this serves you. I’ve created a three question survey for you. If you want to show your gratitude CLICK HERE to complete it. 

What Possibility Can Do For You

possibilities

 

I’m just curious…

What if you felt like the most alluring woman in the room?

What if you only said “thank you” to the daily offerings that are presented to you?

What if you decided to go out with your girlfriends when they invited you, instead of staying at home in your “comfort clothes” (i.e. oversized T-shirts that indicate early symptoms of terminal frump-osis)?

What if you accepted your girlfriend’s offer to attend Sunday worship or Bible study, instead of constantly pushing it off until “one day”?

What if you started practicing the virtues that I teach to help you feel lighter, happier, and more like a confident and polished woman of substance?

What if, despite of your fears, you gave yourself the gift of trusting more?

What if, instead of stressing yourself by thinking that nothing’s going to be done properly without your help, what if you relinquished that burden and allowed yourself to be pleasantly surprised?

What if you stopped worrying about how you’ll meet him, what he’ll look like, and when he’ll call?

What if you abandoned your agenda and instead choose to saunter in faith?

What if you gave him a chance to prove himself to you?

What if you gifted him the pleasure of getting to know you?

What if, instead of allowing your fears to make you nervous, instead of your nervousness to make you controlling, what if you began practicing the essence of femininity, which is receptivity?

What if you starting saying “yes” more often?

What if you decided to unveiled the you that’s polished, discerning, and elegant?

I wonder what these possibilities could open up for you. I wonder how different your life would be.

It’s Thanksgiving weekend and despite all the hustle and shopping, and I have feeling that you don’t want to BUY MORE, you have a burning desire to BE MORE.

I want to open up another world of possibility for you. On Monday, I’ll be sharing an exclusive and intimate “pop-up” opportunity to work with me in my Art of Allure program.

I can’t wait to share it with you. In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below and tell me what possibilities excite you.

To your enhancement,

Monique