This is what I know about myself. When in the dating/ courting phase, I’m whimsical, childlike, extremely playful, and free. I find everything about him, even his mistakes, adorable. Because of my “light” energy, I enjoy myself, yet his company makes for added pleasure.
However, when I enter commitment, I noticed that things change. What was adorable yesterday, today, I’m like “I’m done!” My energy shifts and becomes weighted, more serious, and more difficult to please.
Why is this?
One word: attachment.
I realize that when I entered commitment, it was as though my life flashed before my eyes. If reality didn’t match my vision for the long-term, I started looking for ways to “fix” things that weren’t broken, to prevent things before they occurred… things I would’ve allowed to roll off my back, pre-commitment.
Because of the attachment, I created the expectation that he had to be everything (all 108 items on my list) and fill my every need. Because if he didn’t, I feared I wouldn’t be satisfied.
Can you imagine?
Whether you’re married or in a relationship, when we’re wrapped up in expectation it’s almost inevitable to lose ourselves and to make him responsible for our happiness. If you’re single, then you may feel you can’t be happy until you enter a relationship.
When we’re attached, we’re tied to his behavior, to results, and to performance so much so that the way we feel and act is determined by what he does and says. Unfortunately, when we’re in this space, it’s hard to remain in the grace and standard we have for ourselves.
In speaking to my own coach, she said something that will forever resonate. “When you attach expectation to results, performance, or perfectionism, you squash any possibility for inspiration, creativity, and connection. Divinely perfect? Yes! Perfectionistic? No.”
In the book, How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together, Susan Page says, “The more you become attached to one outcome, the more you fear what will happen if you don’t get it. Fear closes you down. When you are afraid, you become protective. You are less able to be open, to be flexible, to be creative.”
When attached to expectations, we lose our feminine allure. But, when you concentrate on your own potential, you tap into your own strength, gifting yourself the ability to reframe the inner struggles that cause needless emotional turmoil (N.E.T.).
You might be experiencing N.E.T. if you find yourself:
- getting upset by his way of thinking
- furious that he comes home late without calling
- resenting him when he seems unbothered by your emotions
The antidote for N.E.T. is to concentrate on your own potential, instead of your fears or his faults.
You know, there’s a big misconception that if you focus on yourself, it means you’re being selfish or ignoring your man. This is a myth that we need to get rid of in order to move forward.
Keeping yourself happy doesn’t mean ignoring your relationship. Keeping yourself happy means filling your own cup so that you can exist as love and tenderness.
Single? The concept still applies.
Here’s the problem with focusing on him instead of yourself, it creates too much expectation, too much anxiety, and too much pressure. It’s a set up for disappointment, when what you want really want is to create an atmosphere where winning seems possible.
What does winning look like for a man? Knowing that he has the capacity to please you and make you happy.
Remember, people associate you with whatever feelings you produce in them. You already possess the power to induce feelings of well-being and “winning”. And really, you are influencing the evolution of the universe, right now, by the way you operate and how you show up. So what will be your legacy?
Now, this is not to say that you must completely ignore your relationship, but to have the best results, you must cultivate your secret garden. Doing so alters how you approach your love life for the better. Want to know why? By changing your part of the interaction it changes how men respond to you.
You do know that that’s what men do, right? They simply respond to us.
When you concentrate on your own potential, instead of fears or his faults, then you can advocate for yourself with grace, you regain your sense of dignity, and you develop a sphere of influence to inspire, rather than obligate.
My girl, cultivating your secret garden within your relationship (or while preparing for one) offers you an opportunity for unparalleled growth. You’ll gain inner power and, at the same time, expand your own capacity for compassion.
So, how can you focus on yourself and be in a relationship simultaneously?
Consider that it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. When you stand for yourself first, then you become equipped to care for others without resentment, and with more fun and play. Consider it a gift for the both of you that raises your nobility and your influence.
Is this making go you go “hmmm…”? If this conversation is making light bulbs go off in your mind and you’re starting to see why you might be experiencing needless emotional turmoil, I can help you.
Click here to book a complimentary Awaken Your Allure Discovery Session with me, and let’s come up with a plan to get you back in your allure.