I recently revealed that I ended a three-and-a half year relationship, a long distance relationship for that matter. Though we discussed marriage, it didn’t lead to an actual proposal.
I can’t help but to acknowledge my role in creating that reluctance. When he said to me, “If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?” My nonchalant response of, “we’ll see” didn’t exactly inspire him. Ouch!
My failure to respond with an enthusiastic “yes” sent mixed messages which might have led him to wonder if I’d accept.
Even after discussions of marriage, I’d say things like, “if you ever have children do you think…” rather than “when we have children…”
Despite my many mistakes, I couldn’t help but to wonder what was the hold up. “Why wasn’t he moving faster to put a ring on it? I mean… c’mon now… I’m beautiful, savvy, intelligent, and fun. I cook, clean, come from good stock, and I love Jesus. What else does a brotha need to get this thing going?”
Well, he needs inspiration, not obligation. And, guess what I realized? I was the one who was stalling.
I encourage you to evaluate your subconscious fears to see if you’re the one who’s stalling. We women really do hold the key to the future of the relationship, and we must acknowledge our role in keeping it stagnant or moving it forward.
I thought I was expressing my desire to be married, but now I realize that what came out were actually threats and ultimatums.
- “Don’t you think we should be engaged by the end of the year?”
- “We’ve been together for X years. Don’t you think it’s time?”
- “If were not engaged by the end of the year, I’m out.”
Maybe you’re not married yet because you’re sending mixed signals, like I was. Maybe you’re the one who’s stalling, or perhaps you’re exerting control by giving ultimatums. None of these options will serve you. They do not honor you, and they will bring forth NO PROFIT.
So what do I do differently? Watch the video below to find out.
So, what are the alternatives to making demands and issuing ultimatums?
Know what you want and be clear about it. If you’re in a relationship and you know that you want to spend your life building with him and loving him, but it’s not progressing the way you’d like, or you’re not sure if you’re seeing eye to eye, then let him know that you love him, and while you’d like to spend the rest of your life with him, you understand that may not be what he wants, but it’s what you want. Say NOTHING more after that. You’ve just expressed your desire graciously.
If you continue talking, your emotions might be interpreted as nagging, or you might enter “convincing mode”, neither of which allows you to show up as a high value alluring woman.
Understand there’s a possibility that he may not feel the same way. A woman who operates in her feminine allure hopes for the best but accepts uncertainty. On a hunch, I’m going to say that deep down in your gut, you already know if the man you’re with doesn’t want what you want. If that’s the case… “no beef” as in… it’s cool. No need to argue and to convince, just acknowledge that you two have different desires, and that’s ok.
BUT, if you’re with a man who loves you, especially if you’ve been together for some years, it’s very likely that he wants to make you happy. He’ll do what’s in his capacity to please you.
“Don’t make a monkey of yourself by hanging on.” Honor yourself and your desire by letting go. But, before you have this conversation, know how much time you’re willing wait before you move on. This timeline is your personal decision, so keep it personal… as in no threats like “if you don’t marry me by X, I’m gone.” You’ll know when it’s time to move on and make room for a man who’s eager to commit to you and who’ll love you and your “period panties.”
Are you also guilty of sending mixed signals or giving ultimatums? How did you handle that? Leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you.
If this resonated with you and you’re eager to learn more about how to inspire commitment, I’ve created a new master class to help you. Click here to check it out.
To your enhancement,