“I’m afraid that if I don’t react, his behavior will continue”

I sense that you’re frustrated, and I wonder if Ashley’s story resonates with you.

Anticipating a great birthday gift in the morning from her man, Ashley couldn’t sleep the night before.  First thing in the morning, she ran to the dining room to see if her special surprise was placed on the table.

Nothing.

After she got dressed, and on her way to the door, she saw the jumbo red gift bag on the island in the kitchen.  What she pulled from the bag didn’t thrill her. After inquiring about the gift, Ashley discovered her jewelry was purchased at the black expo just the day before.

It wasn’t clear whether or not Ashley was actually used to a certain standard of jewelry. What was clear was that she expected more. She said her thanks, but inside she as rather disappointed.

Since gift giving is her love language, she wants to make sure that going forward, he knows that those sorts of gifts, from that kind of place, don’t make the cut.

She wrote to me, “any gift is nice, but sometimes men will take the easy way out of true thought and effort when it comes to things like dates, birthday presents, etc. Won’t saying ‘thank you’ and ‘smiling’ give reinforcement that this level of care/thought is ok?”

Fearful that if she didn’t react, his behavior would continue and she might get a similar gift in the future. So, she defaulted to using her words as her weapon rather than her wand.

For you, maybe it’s not a birthday gift. Despite his good qualities, maybe it’s that:

  • he works, but you notice his ambition is diminishing
  • he hasn’t made a doctor’s appointment in years
  • he hasn’t bought you the house he said he would
  • you don’t go out like you used to
  • things simply go undone

There’s a big misconception that if we show gratitude, we accept that behavior. I submit to you that when your man knows you’re appreciative, it inspires him to do more for you. When he feels appreciated, he feels as though he’s set up to win. When he’s set up to win, then he operates from a place of success.

Consider it a win for yourself too because you’ll directly benefit from that success.

“So, how do we show appreciation but also let it be known that mediocrity isn’t acceptable?”

Hidden in every complaint is your desire. The Surrendered Wife, suggests that “when you tell your husband what you want, without telling him, when, why, and how you want him to get it- without controlling him-you are giving him a new opportunity to feel accomplished and proud about how happy he makes you. Letting him please you will make you feel adored and intimate.”

Stating your desires purely means concentrating on the result you want, not the path he should take to get there.

When you resist the urge to indulge the critical side and reconsider your expectations, then you’re able drop your agenda and focus on showing appreciation and expressing your desires without “blowing up”, making it easier for your man to please you. This is what he really wants.

I invite you to continue the conversation in the comments or over at the clubhouse. What does this bring up for you?

To Your Enhancement,
Monique

P.S. Want to do a 15-minute chat with me about how you can Awaken Your Allure? I only have 5 complimentary spots remaining for the rest of October. Just hit reply to this email.

There’s More for You on the Other Side of Resistance

I just wanted to share something with you. I was on Facebook the other night and saw this post:

feminine allure

Whether you’re a single woman, a girlfriend, or a wife it’s likely that this statement resonates with you. Having male companionship is satisfying because we believe it helps relieve the overwhelm of daily living, and most often, it does.

But, the dilemma with her statement is the assumption that having a “help-mate” will alleviate her overwhelm. It assumes that perhaps he’ll make dinner, perform some chores around the house, or even help her finish her errands.

But what if he doesn’t?

What if, when she arrived home at 8:09pm overwhelmed and exhausted, her “help-mate” is on the couch watching the game, with dirty dishes in the sink, and no evidence that he made effort to prepare a meal; but, he asks, “what are we gonna do for dinner?”

How would you respond?

My guess is that your first inclination is something like this, “whatchu been doing since you’ve been home? Why didn’t you make something for us? OMG! Must I do everything around here for it to get done?”

This is the reality of many married women and the fear of many single women.

I say this to say that life seems fairly easy when we live alone. We’ve developed our own way of doing things. We have our routine, our way of how we like things done, our rules, and as one aspiring allurer reflected in our recent Awaken Your Allure session, “I don’t put myself in a position where I’m out of the rules.”

But, what happens when he’s out of the rules?

What happens when he doesn’t respond the way:

You think he should?

You thought he would?

You think he ought to respond?

You expect him to be?

Most often, when he’s outside the rules, there’s a tendency to resist.

I’m probably accurate when I say that you consider yourself a sweet person. You’re smart, compassionate, and generous, but in a case like this, you can’t help but to give the silent treatment or give attitude.

If you’re hungry but tired, you can “eat some almonds and sliced turkey” and call it a night, but probably not without complaining about his laziness.

You can also make dinner… but not without letting him know, in either word or deed, how frustrated you are.

Or, in the alternative, you can focus on satisfying your own desires and needs, because when you do, you operate in your feminine allure.

A recent study by Sandra Lackenbauer suggests that our behavior in relationships is predicted by who we blame. If it’s his fault, the blame that we often carry creates resistance that taints that way we see our men. Everything he does is filtered through that lens of resistance. Our view of our partners creates a behavioral response in us that sounds like blame, nagging, and control.

But, it doesn’t have to be this way. You become a better woman when you operate on the other side of resistance. Instead of his faults, concentrate on your own potential.

When you concentrate on your own potential, instead of his faults, then you can advocate for yourself with grace, you regain your sense of dignity, and you build a level of influence to inspire your man, rather obligate him.

I welcome your thoughts?

Oh by the way…. in case you haven’t heard, John proposed. We’re getting married!!

feminine allure academy

Now Hiring

Feminine Allure Academy™

Before the Feminine Allure Academy™ grows any further, I’m looking to hire a Go-To-Gal to help with the following aspects of a few events I’m planning:

  • Scheduling and email follow up
  • Speaker management
  • Social media planning and management
  • Copywriting/ Drafting promotional emails
  • Helping me cross out my To-Do list

This is for you if you:

  • Are time management obsessed
  • Are extremely organized
  • Are efficient
  • Are Internet, computer, and social media savvy
  • Have design/ Photoshop experience (optional)
  • Are detailed and process oriented
  • Can take bigger visions and break them into chunks for completion

This position is paid, part-time, and though I’d prefer someone in St. Louis, the position is virtual.

TO APPLY:

If you’d like to apply for this position, please follow the instructions below.

  1. Email me at: motorcitymoxie(at)gmail(dot)com by Tuesday, July 1st with the following.
  2. Subject line: APPLICATION
  3. Include: why you want to work for the Feminine Allure Academy™ and what skills you bring to the table. Also tell me:
  4. 3 ideas you have for the motorcitymoxie.com, and one area you feel could be improved with your help.
  5. A formal resume is not required. Evaluation is based on the steps outlined above.

I’ll read each application and respond to you personally after the deadline.

Thank you very much for your interest.

Monique

Not Married Yet? Maybe You’re Sending Mixed Signals

I recently revealed that I ended a three-and-a half year relationship, a long distance relationship for that matter. Though we discussed marriage, it didn’t lead to an actual proposal.

I can’t help but to acknowledge my role in creating that reluctance. When he said to me, “If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?” My nonchalant response of, “we’ll see” didn’t exactly inspire him. Ouch!

My failure to respond with an enthusiastic “yes” sent mixed messages which might have led him to wonder if I’d accept.

Even after discussions of marriage, I’d say things like, “if you ever have children do you think…” rather than “when we have children…”

Despite my many mistakes, I couldn’t help but to wonder what was the hold up. “Why wasn’t he moving faster to put a ring on it? I mean… c’mon now… I’m beautiful, savvy, intelligent, and fun. I cook, clean, come from good stock, and I love Jesus. What else does a brotha need to get this thing going?”

feminine allure academy

Well, he needs inspiration, not obligation. And, guess what I realized? I was the one who was stalling.

I encourage you to evaluate your subconscious fears to see if you’re the one who’s stalling. We women really do hold the key to the future of the relationship, and we must acknowledge our role in keeping it stagnant or moving it forward.

I thought I was expressing my desire to be married, but now I realize that what came out were actually threats and ultimatums.

  • “Don’t you think we should be engaged by the end of the year?”
  • “We’ve been together for X years. Don’t you think it’s time?”
  • “If were not engaged by the end of the year, I’m out.”

Maybe you’re not married yet because you’re sending mixed signals, like I was. Maybe you’re the one who’s stalling, or perhaps you’re exerting control by giving ultimatums. None of these options will serve you. They do not honor you, and they will bring forth NO PROFIT.

So what do I do differently? Watch the video below to find out.

So, what are the alternatives to making demands and issuing ultimatums? 

Gladys Diaz, of Heart’s Desire International, teaches to know what you want and be clear about it. If you’re in a relationship and you know that you want to spend your life building with him and loving him, but it’s not progressing the way you’d like, or you’re not sure if you’re seeing eye to eye, then let him know that you love him, and while you’d like to spend the rest of your life with him, you understand that may not be what he wants, but it’s what you want. Say NOTHING more after that. You’ve just expressed your desire graciously.

If you continue talking, your emotions might be interpreted as nagging, or you might enter “convincing mode”, neither of which allows you to show up as a high value alluring woman.

Understand there’s a possibility that he may not feel the same way. A woman who operates in her feminine allure hopes for the best but accepts uncertainty. On a hunch, I’m going to say that deep down in your gut, you already know if the man you’re with doesn’t want what you want. If that’s the case… “no beef” as in… it’s cool. No need to argue and to convince, just acknowledge that you two have different desires, and that’s ok.

BUT, if you’re with a man who loves you, especially if you’ve been together for some years, it’s very likely that he wants to make you happy. He’ll do what’s in his capacity to please you.

Author Laura Doyle says, “Don’t make a monkey of yourself by hanging on.” Honor yourself and your desire by letting go. But, before you have this conversation, know how much time you’re willing wait before you move on. This timeline is your personal decision, so keep it personal… as in no threats like “if you don’t marry me by X, I’m gone.” You’ll know when it’s time to move on and make room for a man who’s eager to commit to you and who’ll love you and your “period panties.”

Are you also guilty of sending mixed signals or giving ultimatums? How did you handle that? Leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

If this resonated with you and you’re eager to learn more about how to inspire commitment, I’ve created a new master class to help you. Click here to check it out.

To your enhancement,

Monique