What pageants taught me about potential

pageant potentialI waited, impatiently, outside the hotel room for the pageant coordinator to signal to me that it was my turn to be interviewed by the judges for the Ms. Pre-Teen Detroit Pageant. I was 11 years old.

“Please let me win Lord. Please let me do good on this interview so I can win.” I prayed as I entered the room.

A mother-daughter duo served as the judges.

I tried my best to prepare for any and ALL questions they could’ve asked me. I was prepared to tell them why I deserved to win. I was prepared to share my goals of wanting to be the first black woman president… or a dentist… or an anchorwoman.

 I was ready, or at least I thought I was. What happened next was unimaginable.

“Hi, you must be really excited to be here”

“Yes, I am.”

“So Monique, tell us about yourself.”

Hmm?! What do you mean “tell you about myself?” Oh gosh. I thought I was here to tell you about my future ambitions, how I’m going to save the world, and why I deserve to win.

 “Ummmmm….”

 Think fast.

 Deafening silence.

 “Well, I’m from Detroit, I have four brothers, aaannnnd… I’m 11.”

 Oh my gosh, I’m not going to win this.

 At that moment, my heart began to hurt. Everything after that was a blur.

When I left the room, I was greeted by my mother, and I burst into tears immediately. Despite my preparation, I felt like a failure. How dare they ask me such a simple question? Who does that?

What I learned from that moment was the importance of being able to speak about myself and my desires eloquently. But, that would only come from knowing myself and what I really wanted.

There I was, thinking that winning the title was going to change me and my future, but what would make me a great candidate if I couldn’t even tell the judges what makes me tick, what stirs my passion, and explain the vision that I hold for myself?

That may seem like a lot for an eleven year old girl, but there are plenty young girls who have been trained to speak about themselves. They participate in activities that feed and foster their confidence so they have no choice but to share it with excitement.

As I look back on my younger self, I see with certainty the importance of having a vision for myself and being clear about what I wanted. In that moment, what I wanted was to win the crown. But, my bigger vision when I was 11 was to be a confident, successful woman.

My young girl desires were to look good, get good grades, go to college, wear nice suits to work, marry a good looking successful man, and birth a healthy family. Winning the crown could’ve helped along my path.

My desires haven’t changed and to be honest, it doesn’t matter if you’re 18 or 84, much of our core feminine desires don’t change.

What I didn’t know then, but what I know now is that “you have to figure out what you want for yourself first before you can lock anyone else into your dreams”- Kristine Gasbarre.

This applied to my pageant experience, but I want you to apply it to your life and relationships.

The women who win at life are the ones who concentrate on their own potential and polish it daily.

Polishing your potential means developing yourself as a woman to access your feminine allure. Operating in your feminine allure helps you feel valuable and empowered in your everyday and in your relationship. It creates the foundation you need to get the very best results from your life.

As a woman, one of the most powerful things you can gift yourself is the ‘know how” to make excellent decisions for yourself. This requires the courage to invest in yourself, sometimes financially. It requires participating in activities that challenge you, that develop your talents and cultivates your secret garden.

When you have this, you can bring something positive to another person’s life. This, my dear, is a part of your feminine gift offering.

Little did I know that that particular pageant experience was polishing me. It sure didn’t look like it, and it definitely didn’t feel like it when I was crying. But you can believe I was prepared to learn and share more about myself, my likes, my activities, my dislikes, and why.

When you focus on becoming your fullest potential in your everyday, then the rewards are yours for the reaping. The key is to not allow the nervous feeling to prevent you from going forward.

For me, that experience that felt like failure in the moment, guided me to the path of practice. The practice of concentrating on my own potential which helps to access the power within.

But, how about you? What do you want to feel or experience. Who do you want to become?

If you feel engaged in this conversation and you want to learn more about developing your feminine gift offering in your life or relationship, we should talk.

Right now, I’m taking on a small number of women to work with me personally so that they can see themselves not as they are, but the woman they can become. If this sounds like you, let’s talk.

Click here to book a complimentary Awaken Your Allure Discovery Session with me and let’s come up with some tactics get you on the Path of Practice.

 Book your time to speak with me now!

“I thought it would’ve just happened by now”

femininity

When I work with some of my clients, one thing I hear often is “I just thought it would’ve happened by now. ” I’m sure you’ve guessed that “it” refers to marriage and family. One thing I know for sure is that many of us are not approaching our life and relationships with intention. You think things will “just happen”. 

You want to know what feminine allure looks like on a daily basis? It looks like acting with intention.

I make no qualms about it, I was hoping to knock two birds out with one stone when I decided to go to law school. I wanted a professional degree that would position me and I wanted to “get chose”. I knew the number of women outnumbered men in education, so I figured I’d apply to cities where the man that I’m typically attracted to would be. I applied to 21 law schools y’all. Many of them in the same city.

I had a vision of what I wanted for myself, and I wasn’t afraid to be open to actually getting what I wanted.

Low and behold I ended up in a city that definitely wasn’t my top choice. God had other plans for me. Truth be told, I cried when I first moved to St. Louis. I wanted to be in DC, NYC, or Houston. I was like…”really God?” 

I told myself I wouldn’t stay here. But, I was still open to the possibilities.

One day, my girlfriend encouraged me to attend an NSN (National Sales Network) event. Though I wasn’t interested in sales, I was seeking employment, hoping I could network my way to legal.  At that time, I’d recently learned my attempt at the bar exam was a “fail” (literally, you get a letter saying you either pass or fail).

Though I had just graduated law school, I didn’t say “hmmm… sales? No thanks. I have a JD, not an MBA. ”  I went with the attitude of “let me see. I’m sure something good can come from this.” 

I didn’t respond to the invite with, “let me think about it and I’ll let you know on Thursday at 5:30 (event started at 6pm) if I can come”. I was open to the possibilities and I made a swift decision.

Turns out, at that event,  I met the man who I’m marrying in September. (Oh, I forgot to mention that I went solo. My girlfriend she wasn’t able to go).

I’m sure you can relate when I say this. We’re afraid to commit. You know what I’m talking about. You get an invite from a friend to attend an event Thursday evening. You either respond, “Thanks. I’ll let you know” or you wait until the three hours before the event to announce your decision. But, what you’re really doing is waiting to see if anything better comes up, or you’re just trying to wait it out to see how you feel.

You’re riding the fence, and when you ride the fence you’re living in the grey.

Get out of the grey! Living in the grey keeps you at default chick status. 

Make a decision about who you are now and the alluring woman you want to become. 

Many of the women who step up to work with me, come to me because they have planned their way right out of marriage. Some of them have benched themselves, unknowingly, by talking their man out of getting them a ring, convincing themselves that it was too expensive and the money could be better spent elsewhere. 

Other women work with me when they feel that they’ve “messed up” and are pushing their husbands away, and they want to restore the connection and passion.

 If this is you, then we should talk.

I hear that you want commitment, you want to feel like a confident operating within her polished potential, you want to set your resolutions and keep them. But yet, there are things that we do on a daily basis that’s evidence that we aren’t even committed to ourselves. Think about it.

You want to lose weight, get fit, and be healthy, but yet, at the first site, you’re smashing the ice cream and cookies. I know it’s hard, I really do, but your actions must align with the vision you hold for yourself. 

There are things in your future that if you don’t learn how to change your habits now, then you are going be in a position where a big piece of you, that you’re supposed bring forward to make a difference in the world, will not come forward. And, you won’t have the capacity to bring it forth because of the fact that you’re not taking responsibility to change that habit.

You’re actually settling for what’s happening, thinking that because it “just happened” it’s ok.

Let me help you.

I’ve opened my calendar to speak with you tomorrow evening and Monday evening. Show yourself that you value your future more than your fears.  Let’s come with plan to get you operating within your most polished potential. 

Book your time to speak with me now.

Lovingly,

Monique

By the way, Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you girl!

you don’t guard your heart by acting like you don’t have one

monique brown guard your heart

When we’re on guard, we’re always watching out for the next thing to go wrong, we’re looking for the next thing to fix. Oftentimes, because we’re on “watch duty”, we never get the chance to exhale, to feel like love is both in us and around us.

Instead, we hold on the the past to justify our anger, but justifying our anger doesn’t really protect us. It just make us less attractive, less vibrant, and empty.

My gosh… it’s exhausting!

We put more effort and more value into predicting and controlling than having peace of mind. Because of the past, as Gerald Jampolsky, MD asserts “it feels more important for us to predict that we are going to be miserable the next moment, and then find pleasure in being right, than to have true happiness in the present moment.”

When we get caught up in our attack thoughts, our beliefs are created from the fear that the past will predict the future and the future will be just like the past.

This is no good. And, no good can come from it.

By holding on to the past, the anger, or the resentment, you don’t get to be YOU… the beautiful, brilliant, and becoming woman who is full of magic and power… the woman who is both magic and medicine.

When you’re on guard, your light is diminished and the world doesn’t get to experience that part of you.

Consider this, I recently read this quote “your life is either an example or a warning.” When you’re on guard, you can never be an example.

I know that being on guard feels like you’re protecting yourself, but I offer to you that it actually damages our confidence. There’s a cost of living in between the world you’ve been conditioned to see and the world that your potential will allow you to enter.

I know you want to be free from the inner conflict that torments you.

  • You feel like you’re in competition with your man
  • You just wanna “let him have it”
  • You feel like you’ve lost a good guy
  • you wonder about your worth because of your recurring “situationships”
  • you’ve lost yourself in your relationships, or
  • you’re afraid because you don’t want to lose yourself in a relationship

My big wish for you is that you to choose your reality by releasing the fear.

When you release the fear, by giving your full attention to the present, you’ll forget about the fear, you’ll be able to see things differently, and you’ll be able to let love in, which is what you really want.

In my program Beautiful, Brilliant, and Becoming, I help you access the power you want to possess, and that power is love, peace of mind, and to live in the world that your polished potential will allow you to enter.

But, to perceive the world differently, you gotta be willing to change your belief system, “heal your relationship with the past, and expand your sense of now by releasing the fear that grips your mind.”

If you’re a single woman, a girlfriend, or a wife, and this message resonates with you. I invite you to register for my upcoming webinar where I’m teaching what makes us hold on  to the past, and what to do instead.  

Click here to register for the webinar.

To your enhancement,

Monique

Put down your weapons and pick up your wand

Monique brown- feminine allure academyMany women ask me “what does it take to operate in my feminine allure? What can I do to become more feminine?” I want you to know that you don’t have to reinvent yourself as this elusive feminine woman that might make you nervous because you’ve never known her before. 

You already have it. It’s a gift you were born with. It’s just dormant.  So, you don’t have to find your feminine allure. You absolutely must flaunt it!

The prerequisite to flaunting your allure, and I really mean unveiling it, is having the courage to put down your weapons and instead, to pick up your wand. Tweet this.

I’ve been listening to your responses to this survey, and I hear you.

  • You find it hard to trust
  • You’re not communicating the way you think you should
  • It’s difficult for you to be open
  • No real prospects, just recurring “situationships”
  • You’re unable to release unhealthy tendencies

Because of our past experiences, our view of the world, our relationships, or even the way we view men has been conditioned to be filtered through the lens of fear. Inevitably, this leads us to default to our weapons. 

But, what you really want is to start using your wand to create experiences that are full of magic and power.

Tending to your inner landscape preps you for the magical experiences you were gifted to create.

You know, when I approached my business community to vote on the title of this conversation, someone mentioned to me “well, what about the kids in Harry Potter whose wand is their weapon?” I chuckled because that’s exactly what we’ve been doing, taking something so beautiful, becoming, and magical and using it for destruction and defense. 

I’m sure you’re aware that approach doesn’t serve us, and it will bring forth no profit.

However, when you choose to polish yourself daily by putting down your weapon and picking up your wand, you can change the nature and quality of your relationships because you’ll exist as love more consistently.

Here’s another perk, understanding your love life improves how you relate to others and work! By working on your inner landscape, you have more stability, and you’re grounded so you’re better equipped to practice both patience and compassion.

In Love is Letting Go of Fear, Gerald Jampolsky, MD says “fear is really a call for help, and therefore a request for Love.” Just like “we are always expressing either Love or fear”, we are always either using our weapon or our wand. I’ve been there… using my weapons until it backfired, and let me tell you, that ain’t where it’s at.

There so much more that’s possible for you and your future once you start using your wand. Learning to step into your full potential will help you to see this. By concentrating on unveiling your fullest, most polished potential, you get to tend to the deepest part of you that’s begging to be reignited.

You get to tend to the details of your life. You get to honor your relationships, to see your life as full of unique gifts, and to continue the work to become your own masterpiece.

The foundation for a blissful relationship, an alluring life, and the capacity to practice love as your living art starts with concentrating on your own potential. It will help you “create a unique way of living that correlates with your values, your passions, your attitudes toward your loved ones, and many other areas that you must consciously consider as you set out to design your ideal life.”

Don’t read this and beat yourself up about how you’ve been behaving.  Nevermind that. I completely agree with Shannon Ables of The Simply Luxurious Life, who states in her new book that “the gift of being a woman is that we can become whoever we wish to be.”

It’s your turn to start practicing magic daily. The woman you wish to become is already within you. She’s waiting for you to find the courage to reveal her to the world. I can help you with that.

Click here to schedule your complimentary Awaken Your Allure Discovery Session, and let me help you to unveil your feminine allure so you can start polishing it daily.

Book your time to speak with me now.

To your enhancment,

Monique

keeping yourself happy doesn’t mean ignoring your relationship

Putting yourself first isn't-2

This is what I know about myself.  When in the dating/ courting phase, I’m whimsical, childlike, extremely playful, and free. I find everything about him, even his mistakes, adorable. Because of my “light” energy, I enjoy myself, yet his company makes for added pleasure.

However, when I enter commitment, I noticed that things change. What was adorable yesterday, today, I’m like “I’m done!” My energy shifts and becomes weighted, more serious, and more difficult to please.

Why is this?

One word: attachment.

I realize that when I entered commitment, it was as though my life flashed before my eyes. If reality didn’t match my vision for the long-term, I started looking for ways to “fix” things that weren’t broken, to prevent things before they occurred… things I would’ve allowed to roll off my back, pre-commitment.

Because of the attachment, I created the expectation that he had to be everything (all 108 items on my list) and fill my every need.  Because if he didn’t, I feared I wouldn’t be satisfied.

Can you imagine?

Whether you’re married or in a relationship, when we’re wrapped up in expectation it’s almost inevitable to lose ourselves and to make him responsible for our happiness. If you’re single, then you may feel you can’t be happy until you enter a relationship.

When we’re attached, we’re tied to his behavior, to results, and to performance so much so that the way we feel and act is determined by what he does and says. Unfortunately, when we’re in this space, it’s hard to remain in the grace and standard we have for ourselves.

In speaking to my own coach, she said something that will forever resonate. “When you attach expectation to results, performance, or perfectionism, you squash any possibility for inspiration, creativity, and connection. Divinely perfect? Yes! Perfectionistic? No.”

In the book, How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together, Susan Page says, “The more you become attached to one outcome, the more you fear what will happen if you don’t get it. Fear closes you down. When you are afraid, you become protective. You are less able to be open, to be flexible, to be creative.”

When attached to expectations, we lose our feminine allure. But, when you concentrate on your own potential, you tap into your own strength, gifting yourself the ability to reframe the inner struggles that cause needless emotional turmoil (N.E.T.).

You might be experiencing N.E.T. if you find yourself:

  • getting upset by his way of thinking
  • furious that he comes home late without calling
  • resenting him when he seems unbothered by your emotions

The antidote for N.E.T. is to concentrate on your own potential, instead of your fears or his faults.

You know, there’s a big misconception that if you focus on yourself, it means you’re being selfish or ignoring your man. This is a myth that we need to get rid of in order to move forward.

Keeping yourself happy doesn’t mean ignoring your relationship. Keeping yourself happy means filling your own cup so that you can exist as love and tenderness.

Single? The concept still applies.

Here’s the problem with focusing on him instead of yourself, it creates too much expectation, too much anxiety, and too much pressure. It’s a set up for disappointment, when what you want really want is to create an atmosphere where winning seems possible.

What does winning look like for a man? Knowing that he has the capacity to please you and make you happy.

Remember, people associate you with whatever feelings you produce in them. You already possess the power to induce feelings of well-being and “winning”. And really, you are influencing the evolution of the universe, right now, by the way you operate and how you show up. So what will be your legacy?

Now, this is not to say that you must completely ignore your relationship, but to have the best results, you must cultivate your secret garden. Doing so alters how you approach your love life for the better.  Want to know why? By changing your part of the interaction it changes how men respond to you.

You do know that that’s what men do, right? They simply respond to us.

When you concentrate on your own potential, instead of fears or his faults, then you can advocate for yourself with grace, you regain your sense of dignity, and you develop a sphere of influence to inspire, rather than obligate.

My girl, cultivating your secret garden within your relationship (or while preparing for one) offers you an opportunity for unparalleled growth.  You’ll gain inner power and, at the same time, expand your own capacity for compassion.

So, how can you focus on yourself and be in a relationship simultaneously?

Consider that it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. When you stand for yourself first, then you become equipped to care for others without resentment, and with more fun and play. Consider it a gift for the both of you that raises your nobility and your influence.

Is this making go you go “hmmm…”?  If this conversation is making light bulbs go off in your mind and you’re starting to see why you might be experiencing needless emotional turmoil, I can help you.

Click here to book a complimentary Awaken Your Allure Discovery Session with me, and let’s come up with a plan to get you back in your allure.

Book your time to speak with me now!