Not Married Yet? Maybe You’re Sending Mixed Signals

I recently revealed that I ended a three-and-a half year relationship, a long distance relationship for that matter. Though we discussed marriage, it didn’t lead to an actual proposal.

I can’t help but to acknowledge my role in creating that reluctance. When he said to me, “If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?” My nonchalant response of, “we’ll see” didn’t exactly inspire him. Ouch!

My failure to respond with an enthusiastic “yes” sent mixed messages which might have led him to wonder if I’d accept.

Even after discussions of marriage, I’d say things like, “if you ever have children do you think…” rather than “when we have children…”

Despite my many mistakes, I couldn’t help but to wonder what was the hold up. “Why wasn’t he moving faster to put a ring on it? I mean… c’mon now… I’m beautiful, savvy, intelligent, and fun. I cook, clean, come from good stock, and I love Jesus. What else does a brotha need to get this thing going?”

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Well, he needs inspiration, not obligation. And, guess what I realized? I was the one who was stalling.

I encourage you to evaluate your subconscious fears to see if you’re the one who’s stalling. We women really do hold the key to the future of the relationship, and we must acknowledge our role in keeping it stagnant or moving it forward.

I thought I was expressing my desire to be married, but now I realize that what came out were actually threats and ultimatums.

  • “Don’t you think we should be engaged by the end of the year?”
  • “We’ve been together for X years. Don’t you think it’s time?”
  • “If were not engaged by the end of the year, I’m out.”

Maybe you’re not married yet because you’re sending mixed signals, like I was. Maybe you’re the one who’s stalling, or perhaps you’re exerting control by giving ultimatums. None of these options will serve you. They do not honor you, and they will bring forth NO PROFIT.

So what do I do differently? Watch the video below to find out.

So, what are the alternatives to making demands and issuing ultimatums? 

Know what you want and be clear about it. If you’re in a relationship and you know that you want to spend your life building with him and loving him, but it’s not progressing the way you’d like, or you’re not sure if you’re seeing eye to eye, then let him know that you love him, and while you’d like to spend the rest of your life with him, you understand that may not be what he wants, but it’s what you want. Say NOTHING more after that. You’ve just expressed your desire graciously.

If you continue talking, your emotions might be interpreted as nagging, or you might enter “convincing mode”, neither of which allows you to show up as a high value alluring woman.

Understand there’s a possibility that he may not feel the same way. A woman who operates in her feminine allure hopes for the best but accepts uncertainty. On a hunch, I’m going to say that deep down in your gut, you already know if the man you’re with doesn’t want what you want. If that’s the case… “no beef” as in… it’s cool. No need to argue and to convince, just acknowledge that you two have different desires, and that’s ok.

BUT, if you’re with a man who loves you, especially if you’ve been together for some years, it’s very likely that he wants to make you happy. He’ll do what’s in his capacity to please you.

“Don’t make a monkey of yourself by hanging on.” Honor yourself and your desire by letting go. But, before you have this conversation, know how much time you’re willing wait before you move on. This timeline is your personal decision, so keep it personal… as in no threats like “if you don’t marry me by X, I’m gone.” You’ll know when it’s time to move on and make room for a man who’s eager to commit to you and who’ll love you and your “period panties.”

Are you also guilty of sending mixed signals or giving ultimatums? How did you handle that? Leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

If this resonated with you and you’re eager to learn more about how to inspire commitment, I’ve created a new master class to help you. Click here to check it out.

To your enhancement,

Monique

Foster Friendships with Women

Feminine Allure Academy™

One of the best ways to honor your feminine spirit is by hanging around other women. Remember, iron sharpens iron. So, it’s another woman will keep you on your toes, help you to edit your flaws, cultivate your spirit, and introduce you to other men!

I may have mentioned this before, but I have a niece. I remember asking her if she wanted a sister and she said, “Yea Te Te” so I can have a best friend forever and I won’t have to worry about the mean girls.”

Immediately, I responded “Me too!!!!”

I highlight that because as a woman, my spirit yearns for that type of feminine connection.  It’s one of the reasons it’s so important to foster friendships with women and deposit into that friendship bank.

Many of us have heard that we shouldn’t talk about our husbands or boyfriends to other women, because either two things would happen. If you’re sharing the good stuff then, then they’ll become curious and try to “drop down on’em”, sleep with him, or commit what you consider to be an act of betrayal.

Other the other hand, If you only share the negative parts of your relationship, then your friend’s perception of him will be what you shared, poor perceptions.

It’s actually a good thing to talk to your girlfriends about your relationship. It’s healthy. BUT, I caution you because you can’t tell every girlfriend.  I encourage you to tell your special confidantes about your needs so that you can get support and encouragement.

Cultivating friendships with other women is important because your girlfriends can meet your needs in a way that your man simply can’t.

Here are three reasons why it’s good to start building friendships with other women.

First, you honor your feminine nature. I usually feel refreshed, lively, and girly after a good girl’s brunch. Plus, other women are the best means of meeting men. They’ll invite you to social outings, parities, or introduce you to their other friends. If you’re single, your biggest help will come from women who are SKILLED in attracting men. Such women are usually socially active and probably get more invites. So, you’re going to meet more men while in the company of women who attract men! Also, you’ll meet more men than you would otherwise, and you’ll meet them more frequently.

Please note, rather than being afraid and viewing other women as competition, I encourage you to view it as an opportunity for collaboration. This is especially true in the workplace and other social settings.

Second, women are generally more willing to talk about feelings more than men. We can empathize in a way that’s different from your man.  Even though your man will support you, it’s not going to be in every situation.

More importantly though, you’re going to need someone to listen and sympathize, but who isn’t impacted directly by what you’re saying, or who doesn’t mind chatting idly for a while. Now, that doesn’t give you permission to have an unbridled tongue and bash your man; however, you are permitted to release some steam and vent.

Third, without women in whom you can confide, there’s a big chance that you’ll smother your man because we’re needy and desire attention. You also need women as a wellspring of emotional nourishment since no one person- not even your man -can meet all of your needs for human interaction. It’s unfair that we even burden him with this expectation. Without girlfriends, we become clingy, and as a result, he may pull away to avoid being smothered.

If you prefer to maybe listen to this message, click here to download my Feminine Allure Audio Lessons for FREE!

To your enhancement,

Monique

P.S. If you liked this post please share it with just two of your girlfriends. 

P.S.S. I just opened enrollment for my brand new program… Rock the Ring, Not the Mic! You can learn more about it here

BE GOOD. LOOK GOOD. DO BETTER!

Start Asking the Right Questions

Feminine Allure Academy™

When a girl meets a guy and starts to like him, sometimes she becomes anxious. Her fears start to swell. She becomes nervous. She’ll start to ask herself questions that manifest her fears… questions like:

  • Does he like me just the same?
  • Does he find me attractive?
  • Does he want to see me again?
  • When will he call?

My wish for you is this…instead of worrying about him and trying to look into the crystal ball or predict his thoughts, keep your eyes on your own paper.

It’s time for you to identify your desires…what you want. Rather than wondering does he like you, ask yourself:

  • Do I like him?
  • Do I like his touch?
  • Does he make me laugh?
  • Am I attracted to him?
  • Do I feel good when I’m around him?
  • Can I see a future with him?


Not only will these questions help to ease your fears and expectations, but they’ll also help you to identify how you want to feel and to determine if your butterflies are genuine or just the “high” of knowing that someone might be interested in you. 

Knowing what you want and honoring your desires allows you to show up as the goddess of fun and light, rather than “Expecting Elena” who, instead of creating invitation, creates obligation, which is burdensome for a man.

When you ask these questions and focus on what you want, you show up differently because you are practicing the virtues of feminine allure. Plus, you’ll be open to meeting more men and dating more men, without guilt.

By the way, dating is for data collection. Dating is not synonymous with sex.

Affectionately,

Monique 

P. S. If you’re a single, girlfriend, or wife and you’re drawn my message of feminine allure, I offer private coaching sessions. Click here to learn more.

BE GOOD. LOOK GOOD. DO BETTER!

Make Yourself Available to Men!

single ladies: make yourself available

You have immense influence on whether a man will approach you. 

You want his attention, right? Simply make yourself available to him; but don’t obsess. I know that you’ve heard not to make yourself too available to men, but you have to employ discernment in different situations. Typically, you don’t want to be too available so that you’re at his beck and call. 

For example, he says, “what are you doing this weekend?” You say, “nothing” in hopes he’ll ask you out.  He says, “ok.”

Sometimes in the dating stage, you have to arrange to be busy, and keep your life even though he’s in it! Click to tweet.

But, before you get to the dating stage, you have to signal to him that you’re open to his approach. You have to avail yourself.  

Men commit to women who make themselves available to them. Click to tweet. Making yourself available might mean lingering around after the networking event, repositioning yourself so that you’re in his line of sight, giving him your number, or accepting his compliment or gesture with grace, rather than rejecting or contradicting it.

For example, he says “You look nice.” You respond, “Thanks, but my hair isn’t even done.” Ouch!

You are deserving of the compliment so don’t reject it. Remember when I told you about how it takes courage for men to come before us women. Don’t turn that away. Accept the compliment as a gift because when you reject a gift, you actually reject the giver. 

When you’re out, don’t dash for the door because he didn’t approach in your time. If you’ve availed yourself, then you are aware that he’s seen you and perhaps he’s thinking of what to say when he approaches. Remember, you cannot control the pace of courtship and you cannot control the timing in which he’ll approach you. You can however, make yourself available that so that he knows you’ll be receptive.

If you rush out before he’s had a chance to speak to you and ask you out, you didn’t make yourself available.

It’s natural to get uncomfortable and maybe even nervous. When it happens, you probably avert your eyes, walk faster, or simply chuckle because the man you admire might also be interested in you too. That’s ok. Typically, we don’t want people to catch us looking at them; but, this is an exception. I encourage you to prepare for that type of automatic reaction by smiling and allowing the conversation move on its own. 

So, to sum it up. Here are the ways to make yourself available to men without seeming desperate!

First, linger around for a little. Don’t allow your shyness or lack of skill with men urge you to run for the door. For example, if you’re on a lunch break and there’s only one seat available AND it’s next to him, if he offers it you the seat, take it! Successful people live outside their comfort zone! Like anything, successful interactions with the opposite takes practice, and grooming.

Second, smile back. Your smile is his invitation to come over and approach you.

Third, practice your eye contact in the mirror. Those moments can be critical in whether or not a man will approach you.  

Finally, relax, enjoy the moment, have fun, release your expectations, and suspend judgment. He’s likely to be just as nervous as you are.

To your enhancement, 

Monique

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BE GOOD. LOOK GOOD. DO BETTER!